Communication…Can You Hear Me Now?
While my dive club can’t meet in person this month (the virus strikes again!), we are still posting our monthly Pro-Tip. This month we focused on hand signals.
In working on the Pro-Tip, I got to thinking about communication in diving and life in general. We hear about how important communication is from all sorts of different sources. It feels constant. At the same time, it is hard to find the desire to communicate in a world where anyone and everyone is so easily offended.
Communication is an interesting and complex topic as a whole.
In the context of the work place, you find a common ground to start on (generally, the organizational policy and philosophies) and start a dialogue with a common goal. In relationships and friendships, it is accepted that communication takes time to build and improve.
The key components of communication in either theater are trust and respect.
In any arena (diving, work, personal relationships), communication can be key in successfully completing a task. If communication breaks down, people can begin to experience feelings that can cause them to lose sight of the goal.
Everyone has had the experience of arguing or disagreeing with a friend or a family member. The more you argue, the more escalated you both become and before you know it, the argument becomes a whirlwind of “that one time when we were 10”. Basically, it’s a disaster and no one can remember why they were arguing. Then you have to play apology chicken and war it out until someone breaks and apologizes. I’m exhausted just writing about it.
So how can we avoid this cycle of exhaustion and tedium? Establishing boundaries in how we communicate. Agree that if you are both too frustrated to respectfully carry on the conversation, you can take a break and come back to the topic later. Maybe this means it is time to agree to disagree. In establishing boundaries, you are agreeing that you trust each other to respect the boundaries you’ve established.
Trust and respect. It comes down to those two concepts. Are you able to maintain trust and respect in the way you communicate?
The intricacies of communication make it one of my favorite topics. Communication is one of the few topics that genuinely and deeply touch every single vista of our lives. I also love the fact that you can do little things in your every day life to improve how you communicate.
The first part of becoming a better communicator is becoming a better listener. In a world distracted by social media, work that can follow you home and the need to keep up with the Kardashians (why — really why?), listening can be exceedingly difficult. Listening is most effective when you stop everything and genuinely focus on the person speaking to you. Ask questions. Notice their facial expressions and body language.
In reading my Divemaster textbook there is discussion on the importance of noticing the body language and behavior of certified and student divers alike prior to dives. The role of the divemaster to notice someone who may be anxious or scared and help them to problem solve through these feelings. This responsibility requires a level understanding of non-verbal communication. It also requires that the divemaster be 100% present in the moment. This means that the Divemaster should be attentive and open to the students and divers whether they are communicating verbally or non-verbally.
This is a skill that can easily be practiced every single day. Even I find myself needing to practice this regularly. As an example: my fiancé, the S-Fish (yes, he dives), often feels that I am too preoccupied with my phone. In reality, he is probably right. So in an attempt at making it better and to respect his feelings, I try to be off of my phone for at least the first 30–40 minutes he is home from work. When I explained my solution to The S-Fish, he said it wasn’t necessary but he appreciated it. I choose to continue doing this. This simple change has made me more attentive and has acknowledged that I am genuinely and actively listening.
Another example. I work with non-verbal children ages 4–8 years old. One of the most important ways we communicate with them is to make time for each of them. That means greeting them in the morning, playing with them during play time and noticing when something is different. In dealing with my students, I’ve learned that consistent action speaks much louder than words ever could. In establishing a rapport, you build your own system of communication. Sometimes, it’s what isn’t said that tells you the most.
Just because someone can’t communicate verbally or can’t find the correct words, doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing emotion. So how do we facilitate communication? Be nice! Be open! Make a point of talking to everyone! Most importantly, be consistent. If you are an emotional roller coster, no one will know how what to expect. If you are consistent in your behavior, people know what they can expect from you and can rely on you.
I feel this is one of the most difficult aspects of being a Divemaster or Divemaster Candidate. Not from the point of view that it is taxing or time consuming but because titles or labels make it difficult to connect. We all know how intimidating it can be to deal with someone we believe to be in authority. The unfortunate fact for me, personally, is that I would rather connect with someone than to be seen in an authoritative position. Not that Divemasters are particularly authoritative, but remember how classroom aides were still “teacher” when you were little? Same concept.
In the past, I have been lucky enough to encounter students that are open to small talk and eventually, chit chat when appropriate. I have also noticed they genuinely appreciate the small efforts and gestures. They appreciate the high fives and kind words. They appreciate hearing stories about the “brilliant” things I did as a “baby” diver. They also appreciate that someone took the time to check in with them and make sure that they are okay.
But what if they judge me? What if I sound stupid? What if people think I don’t know what I’m doing? These are all common concerns when people consider asking questions or raising concerns. It is always difficult to overcome these natural fears, especially when unfamiliar people are involved. The easiest and most pragmatic fix for this problem is to practice communicating with the object of the communication in mind.
This concept applies in all aspects of life. I used to be very shy about asking questions. It wasn’t until someone explained to me that someone’s reaction to your questions is a reflection of them and their depth of understanding of the topic, not of your question. If someone judges you for asking a question, that’s a reflection of them, not you or your question.
As an example, the M-Fish, the S-Fish and I took a video conference workshop (today, actually) that was lead by a very experienced technical diving instructor. Of the 4 attendees, 2 were technical divers who were both familiar with the instructor. He was actually one of the M-Fish’s instructors. Needless to say, I was anxious about attending. I know the M-Fish has taught me well. Comparatively, however, I felt that my experience was minimal leaving me insecure. I was insecure because I was afraid of feeling that I didn’t have enough of a knowledge base to participate to the fullest extent. Instead of focusing on feeling insecure, I focused on the opportunity I had to gain knowledge from an instructor with extensive experience and other more experienced divers. I am happy to report that not only did the instructor encourage questions, he did everything he could to encourage participation and make everyone feel welcome and equal. I truly felt empowered by this experience and was so excited about the growth that came from this workshop.
The moral of the story? Be a relatable human, not a robot. Actions speak louder than words. Everyone has had the feeling of being “the new person” or of trying something new and the anxiety that comes along with those experiences. Draw from your previous experiences and you will have a more empathetic perspective when helping them problem solve. Reframe the picture and view it from another perspective. How do you want someone to remember you? As the person who invested some time or as the person who couldn’t be bothered to try and connect?
Are you a Grumpy Gills? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the anemone? Everyone has those days. We’re all human and we are entitled to those days and feelings. However, aside from the professionalism standards, are your problems your instructor’s or the student’s or really, anyone else’s? The answer is no. So, how do we cope with a bad day and having to function?
This is where team communication becomes of vital importance. In communicating about the types of emotions you are bringing into work with you that day, you are trusting your teammate(s) to be understanding and appreciative of your honesty and you are respecting your teammate(s) by letting them know that you may not be 100% functional today. This can help your teammate(s) manage any potential problems or mistakes because they are fully aware of all of the factors that may be distracting you that day.
What about in your personal life? It’s okay if you can’t handle hearing about your friend’s on-again off-again relationship for the 1,000th time today. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude either. This is where trust and respect come together again. The cornerstone to trust is honesty. What would happen if you told your friend that you felt bad they were going through a rough time but that you’re fried today? It’s not that you don’t care, but you are not in the best position to actively listen and engage. Does your friend respect that you are entitled to bad days too? Can they appreciate that you were honest rather than being halfheartedly supportive? It’s an interesting way to take inventory of your relationships.
What this boils down to is that we’re all human. We’re all in this together. None of us are perfect. However, we can try and be better together. We can choose to trust and respect each other and invest in each other. This investment can be small actions that we practice in our every day lives. Repeated investments over time pay dividends.
I’ll end with a quote:
